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You are here : home > Raising Children > Parental Dilemmas > Living Together > Comments

Comments:

Name: l
Country: India
 And for my old age.. I would definitely not stick on to my son or daughter .. I would like some privacy and independence whatever be my age
Name: frustrated
Country: India
 thanks a lot mv.. my situataion is exactly the same as yours.. Its not that my in laws are bad or anything.. The frustratinng thing is not feeling at home at ones one home..
Name: l
Country: India
 And for my old age.. I would definitely not stick on to my son or daughter .. I would like some privacy and independence whatever be my age
Name: l
Country: India
 I am sorry mister Kumar.. I did not mean to be mean.. Looking after parents who are sick or cannot take care of themselves is fine.. But i think those who are absolutely healthy can live indipendently (like how parents of girl childs plan to)
Name: l
Country: India
 Hello mister Kumar.. Is it only men who have parents.. Dont parents who have only girls look after themselves at their old age.. Oh probably parents develope a handicap when they give birth to a boy i guess.. Ha Ha.. what a pity..
Name: Kumar
Country: India
 The author may note that he/she may be a newly wed. But later in life a time will come when their son/daughter will get married. Will the author stand by the views then, only time will tell. People are selfish, more so people who preach.
Name: Kumar
Country: India
 The author seems to be onesided in the article. What are you suggesting, to the end of the human civilization.
Name: S
Country: india
 what the article gives is true to certain extent, but what when the wife's own parents come and stay with them, the hubby also has to adjust to certain norms of his in laws then. and all indian families are in this list, my in laws when they were with me, they had adjsuted to my life style,inspite of that i feel guilty that they were too co-operative with me when they were with us, they would go by the way i had my life style,and never showed much of interference, but truly said that sons should remain bachelors ,as the mother becomes too possessive for the son,and holds so much of the authority on the son that the wife really suffers,and the son also flaunts with the spoon feeding habit of his mom.but ,when i come and stay with my in laws, i find it difficult to adjust with their life style,and then i notice that the hubby is all for the parents,and wants the wife to be as desi bahu to them.so certain advantages and disadavantages are their,but the good alternative suggested in the article is to move with parents close by to us,or make them move near our habitat. thank s
Name: Ramya
Country: usa
 excellent! it is so much true that all fingers are not same and there will be a generation gap so to maintain a happy family, ur suggestion is the best to follow
Name: sarika
Country: india
 wow-your article is so good and so true. parents staying near the child's house is an option everyone is slowly taking up-but it is generally the daughter's parents taking a house near the daughter's house-will be good if son's parents also start residing near by rather than with them.
Name: DJK
Country: india
 it is a wishful thinking to have parents or inlaws to live permanently in the same house amicabily. parents living nearby is a good option and make way for a healthy relation. however the husband and wife should understand that seniors should be respected and lower their ego to some extent since as you grow in age the ability to adjust becomes difficult. it is we who should be able to make minor adjustments to create an atmosphere of trust and happiness. there is no point going about husband bashing or wife bashing as i see around and also to some extent in the article. the very attitude to single out husband or wife as a culprit should stop in the first place and instead try to find negotiable solution in positive direction to have win-win situation. thank you
Name: Tanswap
Country: usa
 excellent article.as written by sa above every man should read this article.i don't understand one thing is that why do hubbys' find fault in their wives only?why do they think that his parents are only right and wife or her parents are always wrong????i just don't get it. i am a psychologist by profession but in my own house i have not been able to tackle this issue .feel so sad that i cannot use my own subject to this issue and even though i have tried to apply some alternatives which i would have suggested others they do not work in my situation. it is such an irony!!!!!! anyways hopefully sometime hubbys get to see our perspective and feel that we can be right too. thanks for the article. tanswap.
Name: swati
Country: usa
 really good article- since not many r aware of this site- why not get it published in major desi papers like times of india/hindustan times. many men will read it and so will inlaws. but what abt those brain washed sons who wont understand it at all.my inlaws harrass me mentally and r very nice infront of their son like they could do wrong. my fil when visited us in us this summer was being extra helpful to show that he is able to adjust very well in us. he has never stayed for a month in us before until we got married last feb.. and they do plan to move - got their greencards already. they will tell their son - we have no problem with bahu its her who has problems with us- make me look bad at all times. so they r all nice and ready to adjust to us life- what would i do??
Name: Anand
Country: india
 if wives get along well with in laws then husbands can pass on the same favour to his in laws. instead of wasting time before various soaps programs in idiot box they can look after in laws & be noble
Name: MS
Country: india
 it is really unfair how people have reacted the way they have. i bet all the people blogging here are females and so am i. and believe me it will be a long time for me to be a m-i-l. would these ladies react the same way if their parents want to come and stay with them? and on a permanent basis? then the husband has to adjust or are "her" parents better than "his" parents?
Name: Veena
Country: malaysia
 i totally agreee. when will our men learn to understand the other person's feelings. i personally had the same experience and went through all the guilt and anger and pain one goes through under these circumstances. now it is like after the storm. i am slowly picking up. men should read this article.
Name: M
Country: india
 really a gud article. guys should always believe that their wives leave their family, friends and hometown behind to live with him.
Name: reema
Country: usa
 i am sorry to state that i found the article to be very selfish. yes, its a fact that virtually all bahus suffer, but to preach that in-laws work for their own day to day sustainence is very mean. parents endure all the pains in raising children, and if we can't take even basic care of them, just because they happen to be our husband's parents, then its rather shameful. think, would the bahus want the same for their own parents? true, in usa, few have servants. but how many parents curse or abandon their kids when they don't have any domestic help to raise their kids - none. cause of this relationship problem is, lack of trust in each other and false egos (one-upmanship). the real key is, self respect and respecting others. some adjustments are necessary, but from both the ends. intelligent negotiations may help to a certain extent. the fact that our indian male hasn't grown up, is a fact, but so hasn't the indian girl to an extent because i have seen in so many occassions, the indian wife wrongly thinks that the husband is being a mama's boy, when infact, he's just being a loving and a caring son; and all of us just love the husband-bashing and in-laws bashing sessions so much. husbands on the other hand are spineless and male chauvenists, thinking that a woman is there just to serve them....in everywhich way...and that's it. and the fact that we women allow the males and the society to run and think that way....is the real curse.
Name: MSR
Country: usa
 this article is an eye-opener i wish all men read this and understand this article and also adapt it in their lives..half the problems will be solved and we girls can lead our lives in a happier way
Name: to MS and the others
Country: india
 by the way if a woman's parents were to come and stay with them, will she expect her husband to look after them? obviously not. she will look after them. so why the heck should her husband expect his wife to look after his parents? and by the way, most wives only have a problem bec they dont get along with their inlaws.
Name: Smita
Country: Other
 this is not the first time this article has been published on your site. this has appeared before as well. while i agree that no body likes too much of interference but at the same time coming to an adjusting terms is the better solution than not calling the parents to stay with. tomorrow when the daughter in law is sick or any kind of problem within the family no body else but the in laws will be first to help and stand by. it sounds good when you are a daugheter inlaw to keeps u r inlaws far but imagine you have a brother and he does the same to your own parents then how sad you get. differences will always be there that does not mean staying far is the solution. imangine your own son grows up and marries will you not have the wish to stay with your son for whom you had spent sleepless nights and loved him unconditionally your own grnad children? the kids who do not get grandparents love and company sure miss some thing graet in life.
Name: dorotea
Country: usa
 i fill any inlaws mothers,brother inlaws or sister or any part of the intreferring in a marriage will mess it up.i aloud my husband brother move in we the family were he used to be loving and caring he be came a abusive person to me and my kids i have 3 by him for 9 years i stayed through all the physcial.mental and verbal abuse.they seem like they was ganging up on me. my mother came to my come and try to rule it because she cosign for us to get a 2000 trailer.she boss me around about raising my children.i try talking to my husband but he took their side every time he didn't care how i was suffering so i had enough and i lerf for good this time before i kept coning back each tine it got worse and worse
Name: Smita
Country: Other
 this is not the first time this article has been published on your site. this has appeared before as well. while i agree that no body likes too much of interference but at the same time coming to an adjusting terms is the better solution than not calling the parents to stay with. tomorrow when the daughter in law is sick or any kind of problem within the family no body else but the in laws will be first to help and stand by. it sounds good when you are a daugheter inlaw to keeps u r inlaws far but imagine you have a brother and he does the same to your own parents then how sad you get. differences will always be there that does not mean staying far is the solution. imagine your own son grows up and marries will you not have the wish to stay with your son for whom you had spent sleepless nights and loved him unconditionally and your own grand children? the kids who do not get grandparents love and company sure miss some thing graet in life.
Name: sarasudu
Country: india
 balance your ego(i) which makes many things perfect. never ever takeover others priority, which causes raising ego. as long as we are willing to respect culture we have to make norms. if others not follwing means spotlight them to think in that way
Name: radhika
Country: usa
 if men really want to look after their parents, they should remain single and do so. they cannot have everything they want. men, read this article and understand your wives.
Name: saraa
Country: pakistan
 this is a third class cheap article. i really dont like it if your parents cant raise you uptill you become independent then why not to take care of them when they are dependent. its pitty and wives do wat you ask them to do. men should not blame wives. moreover the regard that is given to your parents is not even comparable with that of wife. if your wife luves you he'll love your parents too or at least care about them. its not in culture of india or even pakistan to leave the parents to old homes.
Name: sunita
Country: India
 my mil is a divorcee and my hubb an oly son . thus said intergering , irritating and slaving. sick to death of it really! there is no bloody point in adjusting if all that i her after all that i do is 'she 'd got attidude and ego'
Name: kalps
Country: India
 its really a good article. i think there shud be a law which wud say that if the girl after marriage leaves her parents house, and if it happens that she gets tortured, the boy with his wife should immediately stay seperate from his family
Name: vasundhara
Country: india
 this is a sheer rubbish article. the author should put his shoes and try to realize that if his own parents had to tolerate such nonsense would he accept??? instead the wives should be unerstanding that they can amke or break the family. can the wives do the same with her parents??????? this is not an eyeopener but a bad support for wives.
Name: mv
Country: U.S.A.
 i am living in usa with my in-laws who are permanent residents of usa. while i do not feel that they don't do their work or interfere a lot with my life, just the fact that they are always in the family room or kitchen of my small home makes me feel that i have no privacy at all. everything i do is being watched and i am not able to be natural and comfortable in my own home. i look forward to going to work and feeling free to do as i want. though there are a few extremes and arguments, most of the time there is a sense of unease with the situation. i don't feel at home in my own home. while i respect my husband's right to take care of his parents, i do also see that it has killed my spirit and happiness. can anyone put a value to that??
Name: DG
Country: U.S.A.
 my in laws are so possessive of their son...it makes me sick. they still think he is 10 yrs old. my husband wants his parents to live with us in us for trh rest of our lives. i donno what to do....i feel like i am # 3 in my husband's life. somebody give some advice???
Name: broken
Country: India
 we are going to get married in few months time, and my hubby wants his parents to stay with us as he's the only son. i feel that i will not get any freedom if his parents are going to be there. what should i do?
Name: HL
Country: U.S.A.
 very relevant article to my situation. my husband should read this. of course he would call it selfish and discard it because he does everything mentioned in this article that says you should not do. he has his parents come over to live with us, he forces me to look after them, cook, clean, the works, he wants his mother to play with my baby all day and not me, believes his mother can do no wrong, he has his married sister come and stay with us for months and wants me to look after her too and when i say a word that is unpleasant about them, he fights with me and after all that he calls me selfish for being unhappy. he has all the time to spend with them but when ask for 10 mins of his time in the day he says he is busy with work. in other works he wants a maid who cooks, cleans, keeps everything in order, bows down to his mother every whim and fancy and does all this happily (and i have a full time job with a baby to look after). yes...i agree that its high time such clear and fair words were spoken. so true in my case. i struggle with this every single day...
Name: dreamer
Country: U.S.A.
 very good as well as not so good articles, they all provided excellent insight into this topic as seen from others perepectives. well i live in a very big joint family system, not only with husbands parents but married brother wife and child as well as unmarried brother, privacy is a thing of the past for me, and on top of it im not very liked by them, being a depressing situation all round i cant offer any advice as i am struggling to figure this out, husband is excellent and supportive but says its the custom and we have to stick to it :( i hope everyone can come to amicable solutions and i wish everyone all the best!
Name: Disomus
Country: united kingdom
 hi i think your article was quite sincere and straight from the heart.it is not surprising to hear that this is a universal problem and really does not matter what culture you come from at this point i would just like to quote from a television programme featuring billy connoly a stand up comedian.he was waiting outside a psychologist clinic one day and found two women sitting outside wating for their appt.he then asked them what their problem was and they said "we do not get along" he asked "and how are you related" they said inlaws.he said did you ever sinec the first time you met think that you might get along?they said "no".then he told them dont waste your time here becuase this psychologist cant do a thing for you. that is the reality of inlaws.you live 25 or 50 years in a particular way and then are expected to make changes overnight.some comprise is alright but other wise it is best to draw clear boundaries and move on....good luck.
Name: shy
Country: India
 my inlaws are nice people to have with, but they want to run the house, decide our finances, have my daughter, and so on. my mil even goes to the extent of asking about my husband's official calls. she wants to know what we spoke over phone...we cannot share a joke...she will come and dutifully her son will explain everything in detail. my fil decides what furniture must go where in the house...the deciding authority. they live with us and we support them financially. this has been going on since 5yrs and i don't know how long i need to endure it. i dont say we should not take care of them, but not in the same house as it eats into our privacy.
Name: Ratu
Country: Australia
 i'm an indonesian woman married to srilankan man, we've been married for 2 years now. we have different religion and different culture. in my country i'm not expected to live with in laws for that matter even with my own parents, because my parents always think that after children got married they should live seperately in order for them to become independent and learn to manage their own households without too many interferences, but it's different in his culture. it is extremely hard for me to cope with this situation since i'm not prepared for this. and since i have different religion somehow his mom hasn't really accepted me as i am, which i understand, but when it comes to have offspring, because my husband doesnt want to hurt his mother's feeling because we had an agreements before getting married that we're going to raise the children with both beliefs, which apparently for his mom is not an option, so we postpone the idea of having kids, god knows for how long. and somehow, it seems that my husband is having a high expectation that i'd do all the things for his parents such as cooking 3 times a day, etc etc, as sri lankan wives would do. i guess regardless living with in laws or your own parents it won't be easy. i suppose living in the different roof eventhough it's just next door would be a suitable option thus you have your own space.
Name: Saroja
Country: U.A.E.
 i met my husband when we were doing or phd in australia . i moved to dubai as my husband was posted to work here . my in-laws came and stayed with us for 5 months . i had a lovely time ! (swear by god ) . don't asume that it was smooth saling . i had to make adjustments and compromises at time . one example , my mother in law insisted that i wear a silk saree when we went to dinner at a relative's place. my father in law is particular about some foods . i like garlic and he does not like it in the vicinity - even complaining if the neighbours cook it . the secret to my success. i adjusted and compromised on these things and recognised one thing . if my parents come , they are also people with particularities and traditions . i will expect my husband to respect them . so if i dont respect my inlaws why does he have to respect his in laws (my parents ) ? remember -respect is commanded and earned not demanded
Name: sa
Country: india
 really a good article. every man should read this article
Name: q
Country: india
 oh well done! high time such clear and fair words were spoken! kudos!
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